Pouring out my heart........

If you are hoping to find humor in this post, you won't. If you want to hear a heavy, saddening burden being heaved off of my heart...by all means read on. I AM using names in this post........ I am the product of a broken home - well, two actually. My bio. parents separated and subsequently divorced in 1986 when I was 5. I have been told varying circumstances surrounding this event by both my mother and father. I choose to believe neither as I was too young to formulate my own synopsis of the events leading up to this sad event and, really, MY opinion is the only one I fully trust. In 1992, my father re-married. In 1996, my mother re-married. Both have children with their current spouses. I lived in a broken home from 1981 - 1986 and then 1996 - 1999. Over the years, this upbringing took its toll on me. I learned to protect myself from an emotionally barren mother and her self righteous, arrogant, hatefully family (led by a Matriachal Bitch) and an absent father by surrounding myself with destructive behavior - smoking, sex, lies, and walls thicker than Fort Knox built around my Soul. At 14, my virginity was given to a guy on his bedroom floor. By 15, I had stolen, I had had multiple sexual partners and had begun to experiment with drugs. At the age of 16 I experienced something SO terrible I refuse to speak of it to this day, by 17 I was spinning out of control and by 18 I was "gone". I just did not give a FUCK anymore! Why bother? I didn't have a mother who cared, I had a deplorable extended family and my dad, the one person I DID feel possibly cared was 1,00o miles away! I could fill a telephone book with instances to support my cause but I just don't feel I need to expose EVERYTHING! In any event - full of anger towards what I percieved to be a world full of cruel people whose only intent was to hurt me, use me, or ignore me...I set about to carry out a "guarenteed way" to get what I wanted - something that was all mine, no one else but me would have it - a baby. It so happened that this is around the time I met Papa Witch. I sure wish I could say I loved him instantly; I sure wish I could say that I was as a good a person as he was, I sure wish that my motives and love were as genuine as his....I am ashamed to say that that is not so. Too much of me was broken and hurt. Within 3 months of meeting Papa Witch, I became pregnant. What's so ironic is that I didn't feel the excitement of a living person inside of me - I felt vindicated! I felt that I FINALLY could offer up a big ol FUCK YOU to all of those who "broke" me because now, I would know love.... Sure enough, I found it - at 4:55pm on a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon. I looked over and saw the most beautiful baby the Goddess has ever created - and she was MINE! No one could ever hurt me or this tiny little person; it would be her and I against the world! That isn't what happened.....you see, we can never "own" a person. She was a gift to be shared with Papa Witch and the family.....Boy, did I HATE that. She was mine and here everyone was, "breaking her away from me"....I felt trapped! I wanted to escape w/my baby! But then.the most amazing thing happened - I found out that I had even MORE love to share - with the man who saved me from myself! From the man who loved me for me - the good, the bad, the ugly..My Prince, My Papa Witch. All of a sudden, YEARS worth of walls came tumbling down, I felt love again. It did take some time - mind you I was very hurt and sad for a long time - but I remembered how to love again! So now, I didn't need to "own" my Wee Witch, I could just love her for the unique Soul she is, I LOVE this man who saved me, who nurtured me, who taught me to love again.....I have given up the hurt and anger I harbored against my father for leaving me; I love him, my stepmom and my sister so much - I LOVE them! And......I got a surprise gift! Something I never had and didn't even think I wanted...and no could NOT live a day without...an extended family. A mother and father in law who are amazingly loving and accepting, GRANDPARENTS...I have grandparents that love me and don't judge me or hurt me but care and guide me...siblings -in-law who give me so much joy and love everyday just by knowing that they have my back anytime! Also, I have many inlaws in CA who are great people and LOVE me! Unfortunately, there is one person who never loved me and does not to this day - who would rather see me and my family homeless and destitute than reach out a hand to help. My mother, Mommy Dearest.....I expect nothing and I get nothing. She is barren of emotion and love. I hope she is better to those in her life now than she ever WAS TO ME...Of course I'll never know because I probably won't speak to her again - I can only ask the Goddess to shower her with Positive Vibes and that maybe when we meet on the other side, we will come together again. In closing, I just want to thank my In-Laws,EVERY one of them, you helped me heal, you taught me about love and family...thank you! And my dad, stepmom and sister who never gave up on me...through everything.and STILL love me. And my Wee Witch for opening the door to let love in, and last by by no means least, my Papa Witch, my love, my eternal, my everything - the gifts you have given to me - unconditional love, esteem, patience - could never be repaid. I also thank my mother - for showing me emptyiness, loathing and hatred - I WILL NEVER FORGET! Myspace Graphics